Fun Quotes Book

Can we ever truly know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I’ll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there’s evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn’t come every day.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

The love of truth lies at the root of much humor.

Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

Being vague is almost as fun as doing this other thing.

The will to be stupid is a very powerful force, but there are always alternatives.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously.

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.

Is there life before death?

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called Religion.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

'to pray': 'to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy'.

Unknown Person: But what if you’re wrong about your atheism? What if you die and find yourself before God, who asks you why you didn’t believe? Bertrand Russell: Not enough evidence, Lord; not enough evidence.

… if by “God” one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying … it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity.’

Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.

It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.

Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.

But enough of me. Let us talk about you. What do YOU think of me?

Familiarity breeds contempt, and children.

Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I can’t cook without a can opener.

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you’ll see why.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Some people have so much respect for their superiors that they have none left for themselves.

Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.

The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is PARENTS.

If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent

The difference between science and magic is that magicians usually know what they’re doing

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

I' m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

There hasn’t been a child born yet, good enough so his parents weren’t glad when he fell asleep.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.

If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Why do writers write? Because it isn’t there.

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

It’s called civilization. Women invented it, and every time you men blow it all to bits, we just invent it again.

If living conditions don’t stop improving in this country, we’re going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.

There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through… There needs to be a monster truck option.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web…. Now even my cat has its own page.

There is in every village a torch - the teacher: and an extinguisher - the clergyman.

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.

An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.

I don’t mind being in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.

A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you are keeping.

Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.

Who are you and how did you get in here?’ ‘I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.

The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?