Fun Quotes Book

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

Any woman who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

Getting caught is the mother of invention.

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking.

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need the advice.

With stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against wacking them around a little.

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.

Only the dead have seen the end of war.

We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.

Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Never judge a book by its movie.

Any war that requires the suspension of reason as a necessity for support is a bad war.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; But if you really make them think, they’ll hate you.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and the rest.

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.

There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted.

It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.

Statistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn’t seem to be working.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

Somebody has to do something, and it’s just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you’ll be surprised at how little you have.

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Exercise relieves stress. Nothing relieves exercise.

There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.

' Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.

The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

It is far easier to ask for and receive forgiveness than it is permission.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

I was the first American citizen to be elected to Congress in spite of the double drawbacks of being female and having skin darkened by melanin. When you put it that way, it sounds like a foolish reason for fame. In a just and free society it would be foolish.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can’t be taken on its own merits.

No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.

I can’t understand it. I can’t even understand the people who can understand it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

The average person thinks he isn’t.

You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth—anonymously and posthumously.

One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

She had an unequalled gift… of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.

Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.

Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you’re doing.

The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

To be amused by what you read—that is the great spring of happy quotations.

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Crime does not pay … as well as politics.

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what’s really going on to be scared.

I’ve wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it.

The things we know best are the things we haven’t been taught.

One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.

Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.

I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’

There’s always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it’s always somebody else.

Character is what you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Efficiency is intelligent laziness.