Fun Quotes Book

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.

There are grammatical errors even in his silence.

The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”/ Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.

Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Man [has] always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much-the wheel, New York, wars and so on-while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man-for precisely the same reason.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less.

When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Man has his will - but woman has her way

THREE wise men - are you serious?

Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.

There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember

Is it too much to ask that women be spared the daily struggle for superhuman beauty in order to offer it to the caresses of a subhumanly ugly mate?

Brains are an asset, if you hide them.

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Humor is everywhere, in that there’s irony in just about anything a human does.

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.

The fact that a believer is happier than a sceptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

Physics isn’t a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

Man is certainly stark mad: he cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.