Showing posts from 2012

George Carlin

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.

Joseph Baretti

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

Oscar Wilde

I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.

Thomas Szasz

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

H. L. Mencken

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Robert Half

Free advice is worth the price.

Mary Wilson Little

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Ellen DeGeneres

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Wilson Mizner

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

P.J. O’Rourke

Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

Oscar Wilde

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.

Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Steve Martin

You know ‘that look’ that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Herb Caen

The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.

Leonard Louis Levinson

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn’t see the clouds at all - he’s walking on them.

Rex Stout

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

Ursula le Guin

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.

William Hazlitt

Men of genius do not excel in any profession because they labor in it, but they labor in it because they excel.

Lao Tzu

Stop thinking, and end your problems.

George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Robin Morgan

Don’t accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Slovenian Proverb

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

James Thurber

I hate women because they always know where things are.

George Bernard Shaw

There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it.

Konrad Lorenz

It is a good morning exercise for a research scientist to discard a pet hypothesis every day before breakfast. It keeps him young.

Bill Watterson

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

Thomas Hardy

A man’s silence is wonderful to listen to.

David Sedaris

I haven’t the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

Joseph Heller

The enemy is anybody who’s going to get you killed, no matter which side he’s on.

Mitch Hedberg

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Bill Cosby

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Le Rochefoucauld

An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad example.

Oscar Wilde

It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art.

Charles Luckman

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.

George Bernard Shaw

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

Edward P. Tryon

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.

Woodrow Wilson

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.

Clarence Darrow

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.

H. L. Mencken

Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.


The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.

Isaac Asimov

Creationists make it sound as though a ‘theory’ is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.

Hobart Brown

Money doesn’t always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

Ginger Meggs

Ignorance may be bliss but I wouldn’t know.

Henry David Thoreau

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.

Soren Kierkegaard

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

George Aiken

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon.

The Internet

Infinite = How many times you screw up that your wife remembers for later use in totally unrelated disagreements.

Quentin Crisp

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Leo Rosten

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can’t help it.

Sally Kempton

I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist.

John Benfield

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Thomas Alva Edison

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking.

James Magary

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

George Ade

Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.


Women rule the world. They’re just nice enough to let you think you do.

Jimmy Buffett

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Bruce Cockburn

The trouble with normal is it always gets worse.

Alfred E. Wiggam

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

Earl Mac Rauch

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought— particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

John M. Ford

We’re not lost. We’re locationally challenged.

Charles de Gaulle

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Blaise Pascal

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.

Jimmy Demaret

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.

Calvin Coolidge

Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.


Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.


Why do you have a hot water heater when you don’t need to heat hot water?

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Bertrand Russell

One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny, and is likely to interfere with happiness in all kinds of ways.

Alvin Toffler

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.

Hari Kondabolu

He’s like, ‘Hey, man, where are you from?’ So I told him, ‘I’m from Queens, New York.’ And then he’s like, ‘No, I mean where are you really from?’ Which, for those of you who don’t know, that’s code for, ‘No, I mean, why aren’t you white?’

Dick Cavett

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Georg Christopher Lichtenberg

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own.

Kurt Vonnegut

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.


When nothing goes right, go left.

Robert Heinlein

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Robertson Davies

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.

Mitch Hedberg

I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Edward R. Murrow

When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.

Clare Booth Luce

Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there.

George Bernard Shaw

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

Oscar Wilde

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Laurence J. Peter

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.


If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.

Doris Egan

Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.

Donald R. Gannon

Where facts are few, experts are many.

Quentin Crisp

Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.

Seth Hoffman

Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can’t make up their own minds.

Samuel Goldwyn

Spare no expense to save money on this one.

Ginger Meggs

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Bertrand Russell

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.