Fun Quotes Book

That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.

We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Oh, come on. If you can’t laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?

The religion of one age is the entertainment of the next.

When in doubt say it more convincingly.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

You can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in.

The more things change, the more they remain… insane.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.

Just because you do not take an interest in politics does not mean politics won’t take an interest in you!

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

No man alive or dead understands women! And even if there was one, he wouldn’t believe it!

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.

It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I am fine with stupidity. But not with people who make a career out of it.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I hope that when I die, people say about me, ‘Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.

I’m not always right but I’m never wrong.

The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it

I buy expensive suits.They just look cheap on me.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’

If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.

Because of the internet, never before have we had so many people so well-informed, yet at the same time, so completely wrong.

The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos.

Death solves all problems — no man, no problem.

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing has happened.

This is the devilish thing about foreign affairs: they are foreign and will not always conform to our whim.

I believe that only scientists can understand the universe. It is not so much that I have confidence in scientists being right, but that I have so much in non-scientists being wrong.

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.

If we have learned one thing from the history of invention and discovery, it is that, in the long run - and often in the short one - the most daring prophecies seem laughably conservative.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

Speed kills, Love only infuriates.

The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.

Nihilism is best done by professionals.

Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from.

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’

If you would be known, and not know, vegetate in a village; If you would know, and not be known, live in a city.

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.

Never explain—your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.

The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle.

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.

Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Why do banks charge you a “non sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

Humanity: No chance of banding together for peace and love but give us someone/something to hate and we’ll march into the gates of hell arm in arm.

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.

I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think that’s true ‘cause they don’t have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? It’s a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.

The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.

An average Christian, in an average church, listening to an average Sunday sermon has achieved a level of arrogance simply unimaginable in scientific discourse — and there have been some extraordinary arrogant scientists.

Recently , crowds of thousands gathered throughout the Muslim world - burning European embassies, issuing threats, taking hostages, even killing people - in protest over twelve cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad that were first published in a Danish newspaper. When was the last atheist riot?

It is merely an accident of history that it is considered normal in our society to believe that the Creator of the universe can hear your thoughts while it is demonstrative of mental illness to believe that he is communicating with you by having the rain tap in Morse code on your bedroom window.

In fact, “atheism” is a term that should not even exist. No one ever needs to identify himself as a “non-astrologer” or a “non-alchemist.” We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.

The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity.

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

Gray hair and baldness are hereditary. You get them from your children.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

Careful. We don’t want to learn from this.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

The old know, the young Google.

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Now I know what a statesman is; he’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.

What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books.

Kill a man and you are a murderer, kill many and you’re a conqueror. Kill ‘em all and you’re God!

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.

I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn’t the slightest intention of putting it into practice.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it.