Fun Quotes Book

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.

By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don’t know where to go to erase it.

In science, ‘fact’ can only mean ‘confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.’ I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Geeks, nerds, dorks, and gadget-obsessed folks can be tough to love because we’re prone to awkward, silly, or stupid behavior. Occasionally we get lucky though and find a gem—like Gizmodo commenter Ding-Dang’s wife—who’ll put up with all that. Ding-Dang’s story feels like something that could happen to any of us and I can almost feel the guilt and shame that he must’ve experienced in the moment that he was caught in a compromising position. But I have to say that he is one lucky man for having a wife who, despite not understanding his behavior entirely, tolerates it: Last night after my wife went upstairs to go to bed, I decided to take apart our one-year-old plasma TV. I had read that by turning Voltage Regulation pot down, it would make my black levels better. The person who wrote the tip on AVSForum said, “I believe there is a safety risk involved with doing this as it involves removing the rear cover, exposing high voltages and risking electrocution.” After reading that, I knew...

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?

The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. ‘I don’t understand, who’s that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don’t understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?’ Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.