Fun Quotes Book

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I want to see the manager.”

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

It is a difficult choice sometimes whether to feel revolted at the male sex or merely to dismiss them as contemptible.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny …’

The covers of this book are too far apart.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.

Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors.

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good.

Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Someday we’ll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

If you torture data sufficiently, it will confess to almost anything

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.

Three little sentences will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss. Number three: It was like that when I got here.

Sometime they’ll give a war and nobody will come.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

It takes too much energy to be against something unless it’s really important.

Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who it decides to make friends with.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.

By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don’t know where to go to erase it.

In science, ‘fact’ can only mean ‘confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.’ I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Geeks, nerds, dorks, and gadget-obsessed folks can be tough to love because we’re prone to awkward, silly, or stupid behavior. Occasionally we get lucky though and find a gem—like Gizmodo commenter Ding-Dang’s wife—who’ll put up with all that. Ding-Dang’s story feels like something that could happen to any of us and I can almost feel the guilt and shame that he must’ve experienced in the moment that he was caught in a compromising position. But I have to say that he is one lucky man for having a wife who, despite not understanding his behavior entirely, tolerates it: Last night after my wife went upstairs to go to bed, I decided to take apart our one-year-old plasma TV. I had read that by turning Voltage Regulation pot down, it would make my black levels better. The person who wrote the tip on AVSForum said, “I believe there is a safety risk involved with doing this as it involves removing the rear cover, exposing high voltages and risking electrocution.” After reading that, I knew...

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?

The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. ‘I don’t understand, who’s that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don’t understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?’ Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

Bombing for peace is like kinda like fucking for virginity.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Every crowd has a silver lining.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it.

Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty.

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.

The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Literature is news that stays news.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know.

Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

Going to church doesn’t make you a christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.

Because we don’t think about future generations, they will never forget us.

You’ll always feel good about your body when you go there — no matter what your body is — because there’s always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

I’m not worried about the bullet with my name on it… just the thousands out there marked ‘Occupant.’

Now every idiot from high school’s like, ‘I’m back!’ We weren’t supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don’t want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody’s interested in you. I don’t want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what’s right.

The future is here. It’s just not widely distributed yet.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

It’s a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.