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Showing posts from 2014

Oscar Wilde

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

Bertrand Russell

There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Eugene McCarthy

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

Bertrand Russell

A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation.

Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine

Here's a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can't touch you if you're out doing something interesting.

Alexandre Dumas

Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

Joey Adams

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Anon

Adults complaining about the younger generation are really just saying their generation did a shitty job raising their kids.

Charlie Mortdecai

To be on foot in the United States is only immoral, not illegal

Charles M. Schulz

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

Lewis Carroll

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.

George Bernard Shaw

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Terry Pratchett

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

Stephen Vizinczey

Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.

Richard Diran

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

Benjamin Stolberg

An expert is a person who avoids small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.

Randy K. Milholland

Lies are like children. If you don't nurture them, they'll never be useful later.

James Branch Cabell

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Lewis Thomas

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.

John Kenneth Galbraith

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

A. A. Milne

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Bill Tammeus

Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months.

Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Henry Kissinger

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Dick Cavett

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Joey Bishop

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

Saki

Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts.

P. J. O'Rourke

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

Shirley Temple

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.

Arlo Guthrie

You can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in.

New York City detective

I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

Kurt Vonnegut

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.

Samuel Butler

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Brendan Behan

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Harold Wilson

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.

G. K. Chesterton

To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.

Margaret Bonnano

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.

Robert X. Cringley

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Doug Larson

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

Joss Whedon, Zack Whedon, Maurissa Tancharoen, and Jed Whedon

Home is where the heart is, so your real home's in your chest.

Will Rogers

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

Russell Baker

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

Nancy Astor

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.

Mickey Friedman

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.

Henry Morgan

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

Joan Klempner

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.

Mike Myers

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.

Jane Austen - Emma

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

Henry J. Tillman

The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.

Harvey Diamond

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.

Terry Pratchett

There is a rumor going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Robert Wilensky

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

George Bernard Shaw

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Anatole France

To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.

Jackie Mason

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Thomas Jefferson

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.

Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."

Tennessee Williams

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Fran Lebowitz

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Anatole France

An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

Will Rogers

There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.

Chuck Lorre

Ah! Memory impairment: the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle!

Roald Amundsen

Adventure is just bad planning.

Marcus Brigstocke

Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Women Speak

Finally! Here is a guide to what a woman really means when she says shit like “Fine” and “Nothing”. Where was this shit when I was married?

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine": This word is used at the end of any argument that the woman feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman…

Kelvin Throop III

Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?

William Shakespeare

I dote on his very absence.

Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Douglas Adams

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Jean Kerr

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

Brendan Gill

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Gore Vidal

Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.

Randy K. Milholland

Nothing like a lot of exercise to make you realize you’d rather be lazy and dead sooner.

Bill Gates

Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.

Bella Abzug

The test for whether or not you can hold a job should not be the arrangement of your chromosomes.

Dr. Martin Henry Fischer

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them.

G. K. Chesterton

Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

Lynn Johnston

Never tell anyone that you’re writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They’ll encourage you to death.

David Brinkley

The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.

Douglas Adams

He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.

Laurence J. Peter

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.