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Showing posts from 2011

Chuck Palahniuk

That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.

W. H. Auden

We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.

M.Cartmill

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

R.D.Laing

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

George Burns

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Anon

Oh, come on. If you can’t laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The religion of one age is the entertainment of the next.

Ginger Meggs

When in doubt say it more convincingly.

Ogden Nash

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

Mark Twain

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

Arlo Guthrie

You can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in.

Michael Fry and T. Lewis

The more things change, the more they remain… insane.

Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Stephen F Roberts

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.

Pericles (430 BC)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics does not mean politics won’t take an interest in you!

Anon

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.

John Adams

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

Anon

No man alive or dead understands women! And even if there was one, he wouldn’t believe it!

Sir Winston Churchill

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Georges Duhamel

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

Anon

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Norman Douglas

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.

Tallulah Bankhead

It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

Doug Larson

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Anon

I am fine with stupidity. But not with people who make a career out of it.

W.C.Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Jack Handey

I hope that when I die, people say about me, ‘Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.

Garfield

I’m not always right but I’m never wrong.

John Ciardi

The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.

Anon

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.

Scott Adams

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Clarence Darrow

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

G.K.Chesterton

I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it

Warren Buffet

I buy expensive suits.They just look cheap on me.

Anon

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Isaac Asimov

Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’

Ted Turner

If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.

Anon

Because of the internet, never before have we had so many people so well-informed, yet at the same time, so completely wrong.

Stephen Jay Gould

The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos.

Anon

Death solves all problems — no man, no problem.

Winston Churchill

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing has happened.

James Reston

This is the devilish thing about foreign affairs: they are foreign and will not always conform to our whim.

Isaac Asimov

I believe that only scientists can understand the universe. It is not so much that I have confidence in scientists being right, but that I have so much in non-scientists being wrong.

John Andrew Holmes

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.

Arthur C. Clarke

If we have learned one thing from the history of invention and discovery, it is that, in the long run - and often in the short one - the most daring prophecies seem laughably conservative.

Arthur C. Clarke

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

Terry Pratchett

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Samuel Johnson

Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.

Albert Einstein

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

Charles Lamb

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

De La Lastra’s Law

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Paul Dirac

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

Ginger Meggs

Speed kills, Love only infuriates.

H.L.Mencken

The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.

Iggy Pop

Nihilism is best done by professionals.

Jodie Foster

Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from.

Don Marquis

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’

Charles Caled Colton

If you would be known, and not know, vegetate in a village; If you would know, and not be known, live in a city.

Stephen Leacock

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

George Bernard Shaw

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Bernard Berenson

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.

Edward Hubbard

Never explain—your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

Elias Schwartz

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.

Honore de Balzac

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.

Michael Friedman

The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

Darby Conley

Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle.

Anatole France

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.

Sir Winston Churchill

Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Anon

Why do banks charge you a “non sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?

Anon

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

Josh Billings

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

05/25/11 - “Full tubes” - CAD Forums

Humanity: No chance of banding together for peace and love but give us someone/something to hate and we’ll march into the gates of hell arm in arm.

Arthur C. Clarke

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.

Pete Holmes

I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think that’s true ‘cause they don’t have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? It’s a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.

Willa Cather

The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

Abraham Lincoln

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

George Winters

If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.

Peter Drucker

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Iris Murdoch

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

Rita Mae Brown

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.

Don Marquis

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.

Kin Hubbard

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Frank Herbert

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action

Frank Herbert

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action

Aneurin Bevan

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.

Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Anon

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Anon

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Dame Rose Macaulay

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.

Sam Harris

An average Christian, in an average church, listening to an average Sunday sermon has achieved a level of arrogance simply unimaginable in scientific discourse — and there have been some extraordinary arrogant scientists.

Sam Harris

Recently , crowds of thousands gathered throughout the Muslim world - burning European embassies, issuing threats, taking hostages, even killing people - in protest over twelve cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad that were first published in a Danish newspaper. When was the last atheist riot?

Sam Harris

It is merely an accident of history that it is considered normal in our society to believe that the Creator of the universe can hear your thoughts while it is demonstrative of mental illness to believe that he is communicating with you by having the rain tap in Morse code on your bedroom window.

Sam Harris

In fact, “atheism” is a term that should not even exist. No one ever needs to identify himself as a “non-astrologer” or a “non-alchemist.” We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.

Sam Harris

The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive.

W.C.Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Robertson Davies

There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity.

Samuel Butler

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

Dorothy Parker

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.

Bruce Grocott

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Clive Barnes

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

Anon

Gray hair and baldness are hereditary. You get them from your children.

Anon

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Anon

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

Bill Watterson

Careful. We don’t want to learn from this.

H.L.Mencken

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Anon

The old know, the young Google.

Isaac Asimov

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.

Ronald Reagan

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

Barry LePatner

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

Grabel’s law

2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.

Stephen Colbert

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Timothy Leary

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Willie Tyler

The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.

Mark Twain

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Jane Wagner

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Don Marquis

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Paul Valery

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Bob Edwards

Now I know what a statesman is; he’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

Cecil Baxter

You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.

Thomas Carlyle

What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books.

Anon

Kill a man and you are a murderer, kill many and you’re a conqueror. Kill ‘em all and you’re God!

Ginger Meggs

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world

Collete

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.

Mark Twain